February 13, 2009
Speak Softly and Carry a Large Fork
Well, since Anne and I are old married grannies now, I invited my lovely friend Moose in the Kitchen over to our blog to talk about matters of the heart in honor of Valentine’s Day. Moose is a fellow San Franciscan, one of the funniest people I have ever met, and is much sought after by gentleman callers.
I’ve never actually thrown anything at a television before - especially a television that doesn’t belong to me - but Monday night found my hand curled menacingly around an easy-to-hurl eating utensil. I resisted the urge to make an exception to my sensible rule, but I did yell something that bore a startling similarity to “YOU VILE, POCKMARKED WRETCH!”
(No, I didn’t. Not really. I’m far too well-mannered. But I was tempted.)
May is a keen devotee of The Bachelor. So am I. Monday nights often find us perched on the edge of her sofa, ready to devour the Amazing Journey with a spoon. But this week, I became incensed on behalf of single women (and men) everywhere when a friend of a main character said point blank: “We really hope she finds someone soon; we’re tired of her always being the fifth wheel.”
Single folk the world over hissed in horror and solidarity. And may have lobbed invectives - if not silverware - at the TV.
When my boyfriend and I split up, I worried I would be that fifth wheel. Luckily, my friends are much more accepting than he of the big mouth and poor interviewing etiquette. But Fifth Wheel Syndrome is a definite danger in a world full of couples, especially on the cusp of that dreaded holiday: Valentine’s Day.
Valentine’s Day can blacken and wither even the most valiant of hearts. Which is why I opt to ignore it entirely. Holiday? What holiday? I SEE NO HOLIDAY HERE. What’s up with all the red construction paper hearts? Why are all you people wearing dryclean only outfits and waiting to eat shrimp scampi over a white linen table cloth?
Denial can be a very handy thing.
Instead, I choose to focus on why I enjoy being single. I plan to marry and have a family at some point, so this is my time to relish being alone. To wallow in my empty house with messes only I create. Being able to do whatever I please with my time is heady stuff - whether that involves eating 6 Oreos for dinner and pondering the mysteries of reality TV or knitting beanies for Somalian refugees. If you’re single - own it. Enjoy it. Revel in your independence.
And maybe perfect your death stare, in case anyone ever implies you’re throwing off their dinner party numbers. You’ve got enough personality for two anyway.
Amen, Moose.
Sorry, that was me!
Oh, and dumb question. Who is that person in that picture? I’ve met Moose, and that is not her. Is that celebrity I don’t recognize?
Amen to that. I did love my single life. (Though I am also - newly - enjoying the married side of things.)
Anne, I’m betting it’s one of the 25 hotties trying to convince the current Bachelor that they actually want to be a mother IMMEDIATELY to his son.
Great post, Moose. When my friends and I were all single, we made Valentine’s Day into a big childish celebration of friendship, exchanging Spongebob cards and everything. But denial probably works too
On a serious note, I love that you can find so many reasons to enjoy your life just the way it is right now. It’s an awesome skill no matter what stage of life you’re in.
Uh oh, Anne - you’re busted for not watching The Bachelor! If you did watch you would know that the girl in the picture is Melissa, the girl on the Bachelor whose friend’s husband said they were tired of her being “the fifth wheel.” I saw that and to keep myself from throwing handy objects at the screen, I told myself that he was just joking. Just kidding. Bad joke. But having read this now I wonder if maybe he wasn’t…
Either way, I fear he is not going to get his wish because I think Melissa is getting set up for heartbreak. I’m betting on Jillian all the way.
Good for you!I warn all the single girls who come talk to me that when they are surrounded by children, diapers, dogs, and dishes some day they are going to long for the single days.I’m glad to see you can seize the day.
Those of us who married young know our alone days will probably come at the end of our lives, if statistics can be trusted. And I hope we will all embrace that season as you have embraced this one.
Good work, Natalie! You TOTALLY busted Anne on that. Also, can we discuss how…polished Melissa looks here? No short shorts or anything!
Moose, you are NEVER a third, four, or even seventh wheel to our gang. Actually, I’m pretty sure no party gets started until you get there and the comedy level goes from 8 to 11 after you arrive.
What an awesome post.
I can see why you’d be the star of any party, armed with a large fork or not.
Anne busted herself
And Melissa actually COULD be wearing shorts, it’s just a headshot…
Hey! I’m not busted! I freely admit I don’t watch the Bachelor. I do enjoy it when I see it, but I don’t have a tv!
Anne, you and Moose are kindred spirits. She doesn’t own a TV either. That’s why she’s always over at my house on Batch nights.
Good point, Natalie. Melissa’s probably STILL wearing Daisy Dukes in this picture. Um, are those back and I didn’t hear?
I just stared at the screen in disbelief thinking “he did not just say that!” I think he did mean it as a joke. His poor wife - I mean not only does the guy have no comic timing, he obviously also has no clue as to things that even if you are joking, you just don’t say!!
More importantly - fantasy dates next week are in NZ! Everyone make sure you tune in to see some of my gorgeous country in between the long and lingeringly make out sessions.
P.S. BTW the NZD is like 49c US at the moment which makes everything for you guys like two for the price of one, so you should all come visit as well
[...] a pair of couples who are too damn cute to reside comfortably on planet Earth can be a recipe for Fifth Wheeldom, but I have never once felt like an extra cog, wheel, or random appendage with my friends, and [...]
I know what you mean, Moose. Prior to meeting SVV, I was ALWAYS the Fifth Wheel, and even worse than just that, but Fifth Wheel to ooey-gooey PDA-flinging couples. Ugh. Luckily, none of our friends are like that, and even when I’m out with the group sans SVV, I never feel like an unwanted appendage. Oh, and if I EVER turn into one of those, you have my permission to smack me upside the head and raid my cheese drawer.